Darling Boy: Setlist & Lyrics

A pop rock musical by
Chris Chianesi

PROPHET:
The prophesy said:
“Two princes be born
from a marriage
between a mother and father forlorn.
The mother, Di,
would make like her name,
and the father, Charles,
would live a life
many would call so lame.
The eldest son shall be the heir,
and the youngest one
be he
the spare.”
DARLING BOY:
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Not literally in my mouth,
because there was no spoon
inside the womb.
But growing up,
I used spoons throughout my life.
It was mapped out.
“How nice!”
you would think.
But not quite.
Searching for meaning
outside the monarchy.
People say it’s
emotional anarchy.
Lucky for me,
I know the steps to this dance.
I think I’m finally ready to
take that chance.
Indepen-dance!
DJ PRESS POOL:
On the heels of the success of his memoir, Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, launches his new singing career at Coachella.
DARLING BOY:
Indepen-dance!
DJ PRESS POOL:
Or as his friends call him, “Haz.”
DARLING BOY:
Choreo for your ego
it’s indepen-dance!
DJ PRESS POOL:
A prince, or a pop star . . . or both!
DARLING BOY:
No official duties
in the diary.
From royal life,
I now am a retiree.
Free to be whoever
I want to be.
I don’t need a crown
to still be royalty.
Invisible boundaries
make it easier to escape.
One might think.
Lucky for me,
I know the steps to this dance.
I think I’m finally ready
to take that chance.
Indepen-dance!
DJ PRESS POOL:
He’s done Oprah. He’s done Netflix. And now, he’s doing Coachella!
DARLING BOY:
Indepen-dance!
DJ PRESS POOL:
Let’s go, Haz!
DARLING BOY:
Choreo for your ego
it’s indepen-dance!
To all my haters:

Change the channel
if you’re sick of my vibe.
No one is forcing you to listen.
I’m just telling my side.
Indepen-dance!
Indepen-dance!
Choreo for your ego
it’s indepen-dance!
Choreo for your ego
it’s indepen-dance!
DARLING BOY:
As a teen, my sanctuary was a bomb shelter basement.
The vibes were cool,
so that’s where me and my mates went
to have a good time and let loose
and, yeah, we’d get smashed.
We drank rum
and coke
and vodka
and all kinds of booze.

But for the record,
there was absolutely no drug use.
Just mates having fun,
but when the press found out,
they spun it into a story
that I was a drug addict.
Willy was there, too,
but Pa said, “Harry, we gotta use you
to make us
kings
look
good.”
If you need me,
you can find me
under the bus.
Thought you knew me,
but you threw me
under the bus.
I’m pinned against the asphalt.
Why am I bad by default?
MONTECITO REBELS:
Blame it on, blame it on Harry.
DARLING BOY:
You await me,
then relocate me
under the bus.
If you were curious,
I am furious
under the bus.
I’m laying all sprawled out.
It’s too tight to try to crawl out.
If someone asks where did I go,
you threw me under the bus.
In my 20s, in Vegas,
in our suite playing pool.
My mates had invited
some ladies to join us
and they seemed cool.
Soon regular pool
turned into strip pool
at
my
suggestion.
Of course,
I lost the game
and ended up unclothed.
This Prince of England,
totally exposed.
It’s all fun and games
‘til your naked body’s
splashed across the front page.
Secret photos snapped,
sold to the press behind my back,
by those
ladies
from
Vegas.
If you need me,
you can find me
under the bus.
Thought you knew me,
but you threw me
under the bus.
I’m pinned against the asphalt.
Why am I bad by default?
MONTECITO REBELS:
Blame it on, blame it on Harry.
DARLING BOY:
You await me,
then relocate me
under the bus.
If you were curious,
I am furious
under the bus.
I’m laying all sprawled out.
It’s too tight to try to crawl out.
If someone asks where did I go,
you threw me under the bus.
Now let’s talk about a recent time
my sister-in-law made Meg cry
over something as petty
as a bridesmaid dress.
So stressed.
What a mess.
Somehow this incident
made its way to the press.
When we read it,
we were stunned.
They said Meg was the one
who had made Kate cry.
That’s a lie.
Nice try.
But why?
Willy said his “b.”
It was he.
He let it slip to Pa, unfortunately.
Then Pa and Camilla
came in like Godzilla.
Warfare, so guerilla.
And planted that s—.
They always gotta look good.
Always gotta outwit.
If you call them out,
they’ll never admit.
But they do commit.
And make me take the hit.
I’m the piece of the puzzle
that’ll never fit.
That’ll never fit.
That’ll never fit.
It’s just the name of the game.
I’m the spare,
that’s it.
MONTECITO REBELS:
If you need me,
you can find me
under the bus.
Thought you knew me,
but you threw me
under the bus.
I’m pinned against the asphalt.
Why am I bad by default?
DARLING BOY:
(MONTECITO REBELS:)
Blame it on, blame it on me.
(Blame it on, blame it on Harry.)

DARLING BOY:
You await me,
then relocate me
under the bus.
If you were curious,
I am furious—
where?—
under the bus.
I’m laying all sprawled out.
It’s too tight to try to crawl out.
If someone asks where did I go—
where did I go?

You threw me
under the bus.
DARLING BOY:

This is super random,
but I want you to know.
I’m a member of the fandom
of Friends.

It’s like my favorite show.
So imagine my delight
when I found myself
in Courteney Cox’s house.
There were magic mushrooms
in her fridge.
And I put some in my mouth.
Trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
Trippin’ in the bathroom
at Monica’s.
Hallucinating
can be so illuminating.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
This loo ain’t like other loos.
There’s magic in the air.
I just came here to urinate.
But the trash bin’s starting to stare.
It’s like it’s come alive.
Found its spirit from deep within.
I step on the pedal
and it opens its mouth.
And smiles a massive grin.
“You want something to eat?” I ask.
It nods emphatically.
Inanimate objects
an behave so dramatically.
Trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
Trippin’ in the bathroom
at Monica’s.
Hallucinating
can be so illuminating.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
Trippin’ in the bathroom
at Monica’s.
Hallucinating
can be so illuminating.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s,
Monica’s.
Woah!

The toilet sprung to life.
I awoke it from its sleep.
The bowl looks like its bottom jaw,
and the hinges of the seat
are like tiny stabbing eyes
staring deep into my soul.
I flush when I am done.
The loo is totally in control.
Trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
Trippin’ in the bathroom
at Monica’s.
Hallucinating
can be so illuminating.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s,
Monica’s.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
Trippin’ in the bathroom
at Monica’s.
Did you know I can scat?
She-be-de-beep-bop-ba-dee-bop-bap!
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s,
Monica’s.
Now, I’m at her beachfront,
toes in the sand.
The ocean washes over my feet.
I lock eyes with the moon.
Yes, the moon has eyes.
It was an honor to officially meet
the moon.
We actually had a really great
conversation.
They said the year ahead
would be good.
And they promised
something special was on the way.
I nodded and understood.
And the ocean was where I stood.
Ah-oooooh!
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
And I’m talkin’ to the moon
at Monica’s.
Hallucinating
can be so illuminating.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s,
Monica’s.
I’m trippin’ on shrooms
at Monica’s.
And I’m talkin’ to the moon
at Monica’s.
I am such a Chandler.

Set 1: To Be Spare or Not

DARLING BOY:
They live in myth,
shapeshifters of the sea.
Scottish folklore monolith
known as the selkies.
Legend goes:
if you spot a seal
it could actually be a mermaid
who disguises herself as a seal.
Pa says, “If you sing to her,
she will grant you a wish
in a song so surreal.”
He said to sing, “Ayooo!”
To the sea, sing, “Ayooo!”
Mermaids go, “Ah!”
Seals go, “Ooh!”
Put them together,
create a tune.
Sing, “Ayooo!”
One day by the beach,
we saw a vision in grey.
A seal.
No!
Two seals out of reach.
They were so far away.
I ran to the water’s edge
and sang from my soul.
But the seals ignored my melody.
So my wife started singing.
More appeared and sang back.
I disrobed and swam into the sea.
Towards them,
singing, “Ayooo!”
To the sea sing, “Ayooo!”
Mermaids go, “Ah!”
Seals go, “Ooh!”
Put them together,
create a tune.
Sing, “Ayooo!”
I recounted that story
to Pa’s Aussie chef,
who was horrified
at what he was hearing.
He said, “That part of the ocean is swarming with killer whales and when you sing to the seals, it’s not endearing. It’s like guiding them to death’s door. A scene of carnage. They’d be eaten like expensive fois gras.”
I guess not all fairytales end
with a smile.
To the myth of the selkies,
au revoir.
Mermaids go, “Ah!”
Seals go, “Ooh!”
MONTECITO REBELS:
Mermaids go, “Ah!”
Seals go, “Ooh!”
DARLING BOY:
I can’t hear you!
Mermaids go, “Ah!”
Seals go, “Ooh!”
MONTECITO REBELS:
Mermaids go, “Ah!”
Seals go, “Ooh!”
DARLING BOY:
Ayooo!
Don’t sing,
“Ayooo!”
Mermaid or seal,
mermaid or seal,
don’t even know what’s real.
Also gotta beware of the whales.
Don’t sing,
“Ayooo!”
Don’t sing,
“Ayooo!”
DARLING BOY:
Enter stage right,
a prince acting in a Shakespeare play.
Mandatory requirement
at boarding school.
Needed to graduate.
Everything went as planned.
But one thing caught
the prince off guard.
His daddy sitting front and center
laughing loudly
at all the wrong parts.
PA:
Great job, Darling Boy!
DARLING BOY:
I ain’t your darling boy.
That’s what you call me.
But you don’t even know me.
That’s why I ain’t
d-d-d-darling boy.
That’s what you call me.
But you don’t even know me.
That’s why I ain’t
d-d-d-darling boy.
Camilla, she
was the object of my pa’s desires.
Lifted from the sidelines
against unspoken guidelines.
Two not-so-secret admirers.
Now in the open
these two lovers free to carry
on with their decision.
But we had just one condition:
Please do not get married.
PA:
Guess what, darling boy?
That’s right!
We’re getting married!
DARLING BOY:
I ain’t your darling boy.
That’s what you call me.
But you don’t even know me.
That’s why I ain’t
d-d-d-darling boy.
That’s what you call me.
But you don’t even know me.
That’s why I ain’t
d-d-d-darling boy.
I know you’re doing
the best that you can.
But I ain’t a little boy anymore.
I’m a man.
And regarding the play,
I know you didn’t mean to
distract me.
You were just aping
what your daddy did to you.
Back in the day
when you were in a play
he thought that was ok.
He didn’t know.
How could he know
that’s not the way people behave?
Also you craved love,
so you gave love
to a woman
not your wife.
That really sucked for mummy.
But hey, live your life.
I ain’t your darling boy.
That’s what you call me.
But you don’t even know me.
That’s why I ain’t
d-d-d-darling boy.
DARLING BOY:
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
“The lad’s not too bright,”
is what the papers said.
When a stupid rumor
came to light from school
all because a teacher said . . .
MONTECITO REBELS:
What did they say?
What did they say?
DARLING BOY:
. . . they accused me of cheating
on an art project.
How do you even cheat
on an art project?
MONTECITO REBELS:
Art project,
art project,
art project,
art.
DARLING BOY:
Needless to say,
my name was cleared.
But not before it had the chance
to be smeared.
Palace said to stay on auto.
Just remember the family motto:
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
“The lad’s not too brave,”
is what the papers said . . .
MONTECITO REBELS:
What did they say?
What did they say?
DARLING BOY:
They wrote that I was scared
to join the army,
and was faking an injury on my leg.
MONTECITO REBELS:
His knee.
His knee.
Said he was faking an injury
on his knee.
DARLING BOY:
But of course it was real,
and not dramatized.
Ever hear of a killing house?
That’s a military exercise.
Basically a drill
where we had to play out
being kidnapped,
and learn how to stay alive.
MONTECITO REBELS:
That’s how he really
hurt
his
knee.
DARLING BOY:
Palace said to stay on auto.
Just remember the family motto:
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
MONTECITO REBELS:
Pa said . . .
DARLING BOY:
“Just ignore it;
don’t take it personally.”
MONTECITO REBELS:
They just need a story.
Don’t take it personally.
DARLING BOY:
Pa reminded me
Grandpa had been bullied unmercifully.
MONTECITO REBELS:
They just need a story.
Don’t take it personally.
DARLING BOY:
But once he died,
they were singing his praise.
It’s like their past hate talk
had all been erased.
So what does that mean?
They only respect you once
you’re dead?
‘Til then
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Down the drain.
Don’t complain,
don’t explain.
Just watch as the truth goes
down the drain.
Yeah,
never complain,
never explain.
MONTECITO REBELS:
Oooh!
Oooh!
Oooh!
DARLING BOY:
Did you know in 30 below
sweat freezes to your skin?
The Arctic dealt me a dirty blow,
and I’m still reeling from it.
I don’t wanna steal the spotlight,
but I got a big issue.
Some residual frostbite
on sensitive tissue.
He is on top of the world.
Wedding day.
About to kiss his bride.
I was just on top of the world.
Literally.
But now I’m dying inside.
MONTECITO REBELS:
Dying inside.
DARLING BOY:
Don’t tell Willy that I
froze my willy.
My penis,
not my bro.
I know it sounds silly
that I froze my willy.
But I don’t want
Willy to know.
Don’t tell Willy that I
froze my willy.
My penis,
not my bro.
I know it sounds silly.
Please don’t tell Willy
that I froze my todger.
MONTECITO REBELS:
Oooh!
Oooh!
DARLING BOY:
Like a semi-erection,
perpetually hardened.
Friends gave a suggestion:
apply Elizabeth Arden
cream.
The cream that Mummy adored.
She’d apply it to her lips.
I lathered it on my sores.
But it didn’t do the trick.
He is on top of the world.
Wedding day.
About to kiss his bride.
I was just on top of the world.
Literally.
But now I’m dying inside.
MONTECITO REBELS:
Dying inside.
DARLING BOY:
Don’t tell Willy that I
froze my willy.
My penis,
not my bro.
I know it sounds silly
that I froze my willy.
But I don’t want
Willy to know.
Don’t tell Willy that I
froze my willy.
My penis,
not my bro.
I know it sounds silly.
Please don’t tell Willy
that I froze my todger.
I put the “d” in “defrost.”
If it doesn’t thaw soon
then all could be lost.
Next time when I brave the cold,
I will wear ten layers
and do what I’m told.
This day ain’t all about me.
No water right now,
‘cause it hurts when I pee.
Can someone turn the heat on
‘cause I . . .
MONTECITO REBELS:
. . . froze my todger.
DARLING BOY:
Don’t tell Willy that I
froze my willy.
My penis,
not my bro.
I know it sounds silly
that I froze my willy.
But I don’t want
Willy to know.
Don’t tell Willy that I
froze my willy.
My penis,
not my bro.
I know it sounds silly.
Please don’t tell Willy
that I froze my todger.
I froze my todger.
Don’t tell Willy
that I froze my todger.
DARLING BOY:
Granny,
you’re the coolest queen.
You always make me feel seen
in this rigid place.
Granny,
seriously you’re the best.
And I got just one request.
See the hair on my face?
Please don’t make me shave it off.
I don’t think I’m brave enough.
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
It’s such a huge part of me.
Shaving would be hard for me.
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
MONTECITO REBELS:
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
DARLING BOY:
Willy
is making such a fuss.
Always comparing us.
He’s jealous ‘cause you
get me more.
Willy
tries to control my life.
He causes so much strife.
It’s like he’s keeping score.
Please don’t make me shave it off.
I don’t think I’m brave enough.
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
It’s such a huge part of me.
Shaving would be hard for me.
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
I recognize to you
this issue probably sounds pathetic.
But I promise that my need for it
is way more than aesthetic.
When I laid it out for Granny,
she said that she was cool.
But when Willy found out,
he tried to overrule.
He thinks that I’m her soft spot,
and that makes him mad.
So he tries to put me in a box,
but guess what?
He’s been had.
He thinks he can control
what goes down.
But I don’t have to listen,
’cause he don’t have the crown
DARLING BOY:
Please don’t make me shave it off.
I don’t think I’m brave enough.
DARLING BOY:
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
It’s such a huge part of me.
Shaving would be hard for me.
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
MONTECITO REBELS:
Granny,
can I keep my beard?
Can I keep my beard?
Granny,
can I keep my beard?

Set 2: Fear & Sadness

DARLING BOY:
Pete and Repeat
are rowing a boat on a pond.
Pete falls overboard.
And who’s left on?
Don’t say the name.
No I won’t get duped.
History loves to play this game,
but from here on out
I refuse to cooperate, operate.
‘Cause that’s not how I operate.
I won’t tolerate, tolerate
history taunting me.
It tries to replicate, replicate.
Patterns from my past.
Well, that ain’t in the forecast
for today.
History, shut your mouth.
I won’t let you repeat yourself.
History, shut your mouth.
I won’t let you repeat yourself.
History, shut your mouth.
I won’t let you repeat yourself.
History, shut your mouth.
I won’t let you repeat yourself.
History, shut your mouth.
I won’t let you repeat yourself.
History, shut your mouth.
I won’t let you repeat yourself.

Interlude

DARLING BOY:
Mornings at Kensington 
were always so fun.
Jumping on her waterbed 
staring out at the sun.
I’d get so much air
that my hair would touch the ceiling.
I remember the feeling of her.
I’d spend some work days
by her side as she took calls.
And when she had a break
she would skip down the halls.
When bedtime rolled around
we’d meet up at the base of the stairs.
She’d kiss my hair and I can swear
I can still feel her there.
Resting legend
in a tomb.
Public drove her there too soon.
Wrapped, wrapped,
wrapped in time.
She’s a mummy.
My Mummy.
They excavated her from me.
Put her on display to see.
But she’s no spectacle to me.
She’s a mummy.
My Mummy.
MONTECITO REBELS:
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
DARLING BOY:
One time on holiday,
we were spotted by some goons.
So Mummy got a brilliant idea.
She said,
“Let’s throw our water balloons.”
And we fired upon them.
And then in a flash,
I was left with her laugh.
Oooh.
Resting legend
in a tomb.
Public drove her there too soon.
Wrapped, wrapped,
wrapped in time.
She’s a mummy.
My Mummy.
They excavated her from me.
Put her on display to see.
But she’s no spectacle to me.
She’s a mummy.
My Mummy.
MONTECITO REBELS:
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
A mummy.
Like a mummy, mummy.
DARLING BOY:
Who is this woman
who caused my fingers to stop
scrolling endlessly on my feed?
Beautiful woman.
I need to meet her.
Need to figure out just
how to to proceed.
I’ve met more faces on this earth
than I can possibly count.
An insane amount.
But this one I just couldn’t ignore.
Was a hunch I needed to explore.
So I started typing
and that opened the door to
fluttering ellipsis,
momentary glimpses
of what could be.
Waiting for her text.
Each one better than the next.
Three dots creating a perfect scene.
I can feel her heartbeat
through the screen
My iOS can tell that
she’s more than keen.
Fluttering ellipsis,
momentary glimpses
of what could be.
Who is this woman
causing my fingers to cramp
from such exciting banter?
Beautiful woman.
I feel so giddy.
Like a schoolboy trying to
enchant her.
When I type her name into Google
light shines out just like the sun.
She is so the one.
I hope she doesn’t try to Google me.
She might not like what she sees.
Let’s keep the typing just between
her and me
with
fluttering ellipsis,
momentary glimpses
of what could be.
Waiting for her text.
Each one better than the next.
Three dots creating a perfect scene.
I can feel her heartbeat
through the screen
My iOS can tell that
she’s more than keen.
Fluttering ellipsis,
momentary glimpses
of what could be.
Flash forward to me in a car.
En route to our first date.
Bumper-to-bumper traffic
and I’m running over 20 minutes late.
Typing frantically.
So not romantically.
Rushing there manically.
Praying she don’t leave.
I finally arrive and I see her.
Sittin’—standing—like a flower
in the night.
And I know everything’s gonna be
all right.
Fluttering ellipsis,
momentary glimpses
of what could be.
Sitting face to face
I know I’m in the right place.
And I never wanna leave.
I can feel your heartbeat next to mine.
From here on out,
you’ll always be on my mind.
Fluttering ellipsis,
momentary glimpses
of what could be.

Set 3: Love Begets Courage

MONTECITO REBELS:
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
Oy, oy, oy, oy.
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
It’s etiquette.
Oy, oy.
DARLING BOY:
Remember the time
we were going to meet
my Granny from Buckingham?
I told you to curtsy,
and call her, “m’am.”
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
TUNGSTEN:
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
DARLING BOY:
Totally weird,
I know right?
But for Granny,
we’d bow and exalt.
But you didn’t know,
so it’s not your fault.
TUNGSTEN:
“M’am,” like, “ham?”
DARLING BOY:
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
There’s such an emphasis
on being polite.
You gotta do it like this.
You gotta do it like that.
And you gotta get it right.
These old formalities
can be kinda lame.
But they’ve been around for centuries,
so you gotta play the game.
It’s called,
“etiquette.”
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
Oy, oy, oy, oy.
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
It’s etiquette.
Oy, oy.
Remember the time
I introduced you to
Willy sans Kate?
You went in for a hug.
It wasn’t great.
Not a hugger.
TUNGSTEN:
Not a hugger.
DARLING BOY:
Totally awk,
even though he was a
self-proclaimed superfan of Suits.
Being warm isn’t one of his attributes.
TUNGSTEN:
Not a hugger.
DARLING BOY:
Yeah, not a hugger.
There’s such an emphasis
on being polite.
You gotta do it like this.
You gotta do it like that.
And you gotta get it right.
These old formalities
can be kinda lame.
But they’ve been around for centuries,
so you gotta play the game.
It’s called,
“etiquette.”
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
Oy, oy, oy, oy.
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
It’s etiquette.
Oy, oy.
Remember the time
I took you to meet
Camilla and Pa?
MONTECITO REBELS:
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
Not a hugger.
It’s, “m’am,” like, “ham.”
DARLING BOY:
The conversation was pleasant,
but it was just a facade.
MONTECITO REBELS:
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
(Facade.)
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
(Facade.)
Not a hugger.
(Facade.)
It’s, “m’am,” like, “ham.”
DARLING BOY:
See, authenticity in this family
sadly feels out of place.
MONTECITO REBELS:
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
“M’am,” like, “ham.”
Not a hugger.
It’s, “m’am,” like, “ham.”
DARLING BOY & MONTECITO REBELS:
‘Cause they all scheme
behind your back
while being nice to your face.
MONTECITO REBELS:
M’am,” like, “ham.”
Etiquette.
DARLING BOY & MONTECITO REBELS:
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
Oy, oy, oy, oy.
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
It’s etiquette.
Oy, oy.
MONTECITO REBELS:
Etiquette.
Etiquette.
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
(It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette,
royal etiquette, royal etiquette.)
Oy, oy, oy, oy.
Etiquette.
(Oy, oy, oy, oy, etiquette, etiquette.)
Etiquette.
It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette.
(It’s proper f—in’ royal etiquette,
royal etiquette, royal etiquette.)
Oy, oy.
DARLING BOY:
We met face to face
at my place
to try to clear the air.
But when I tried to open up,
it’s like you didn’t even care.
I sought to reconnect
and gently tell you
what was on my mind.
But when we moved to the kitchen,
you started b—in’
and then did something truly
out of line.
And unkind.
You shattered my soul
when you shoved me
over the dog’s bowl.
Porcelain pieces in my back.
Why do you think you’re
on the right track?
You shattered my soul
when you shoved me
over the dog’s bowl.
When the future king goes, “smack!”
it’s an heir attack.
Heir attack.
The way you spoke about my wife.
Huh!
Get a life.
Why you so pissed?
When you try to make me
choose a side,
I choose my bride.
Sorry!
Not a plot twist.
I’m still in awe.
Your actions rocked me to my core.
Get off your high horse.
I kept my cool,
and you still acted a fool.
Why the physical force?
Yeah!
You shattered my soul
when you shoved me
over the dog’s bowl.
Porcelain pieces in my back.
Why do you think you’re
on the right track?
You shattered my soul
when you shoved me
over the dog’s bowl.
When the future king goes, “smack!”
it’s an heir attack.
Heir attack.
What’s worse,
you didn’t even volunteer
to get me a new one.
Now what the hell is my poor doggy
supposed to eat all of his food from?
Even worse,
you tried coercing me
to not tell Meg what transpired.
But one thing that you know about me
is that I ain’t a liar.
You shattered my soul
when you shoved me
over the dog’s bowl.
Porcelain pieces in my back.
Why do you think you’re
on the right track?
You shattered my soul
when you shoved me
over the dog’s bowl.
When the future king goes, “smack!”
it’s an heir attack.
Heir attack.
It was an heir attack,
heir attack.
You are the heir, and you attacked;
it was an heir attack

Set 4: Breaking Point

Set 5: Declaration of Independence

DARLING BOY:
The sunset melts into the lake
on Vancouver Island.
A watercolor sky.
Canvas warping from the paint.
It was so nice living on
that old secluded island.
But then the institution
reared it’s ugly head.
And things changed.
Our security detail,
revoked.
The ultimate betrayal,
unprevoked.
The institution is such a joke.
It evokes fear and sadness.
Where were we to go?
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Here with all of ya,
ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Who knew it would be so great
living in this stunning state.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Now I got a cool backyard
here in Montecito
where I grow bananas,
raise my chickens,
and plant my veggies.
Sometimes when I’m hungry,
I’ll go make my own burrito.
Who’d a thunk?
A prince providing for himself.
So edgy.
Here, Mother Nature is so generous.
And, I’m neighbors with
Ellen DeGeneres.
Oh!
Oprah Winfrey
also lives close to us.
Duke and Dutchess of Sussex
adjusting in
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Here with all of ya,
ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Who knew it would be so great
living in this stunning state.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Now that Pa has been crowned King,
he thinks he can do anything.
He took away our house in England
that Granny had gifted us,
and without further ado
he gave it to pervy Uncle Andrew.
Does he even think this stuff through?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Nice try with that eviction.
Now we’re out of his jurisdiction.
He may think that he has won,
but joke’s on him ‘cause we are done.
We’re here having all the fun.
All the fun, all the fun in . . .
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Here with all of ya,
ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
Who knew it would be so great
living in this stunning state.
Californ-ia,
-ia, -ia, -ia, -ia, -ia.
DARLING BOY:
I’m never the one to leave.
Until now.
I guess that I never believed
I’d even know how.
But turns out I do.
There’s love buried there,
but not enough for the spare.
I’ve done all I can do.
The rest is up to you.
Here’s one last goodbye.
Just one last goodnight.
Here’s one last goodbye.
Here’s one last goodbye.
Just one last goodnight.
Here’s one last goodbye.
The chess board is shaking.
The game is neck and neck.
But with Granny gone,
the new king’s put me in check.
And I can’t continue going on
being held back at every turn.
It’s time to turn the light off,
and adjourn.
Here’s one last goodbye.
Just one last goodnight.
Here’s one last goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Here’s one last goodbye.
Just one last goodnight.
One last goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I’ve done what I had to do . . .
. . . and now I’m through.
DARLING BOY:
Indepen-dance!
Indepen-dance!
Choreo for your ego,
it’s indepen-dance!
When life takes a turn,
or the map burns,
go and forge your own way.
Soon, you’ll be in the clear.
A new day’s here.
And look,
we’re ok.
Indepen-dance!
Indepen-dance!
Choreo for your ego,
it’s indepen-dance!
Choreo for your ego,
it’s indepen-dance!

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Darling Boy is a work of satire inspired by actual events. It is not endorsed, approved, or authorized by, or otherwise affiliated with, any member of the British royal family, including those referenced in the cast list (available here). Copyright 2023–2025 Chris Chianesi. All rights reserved.